Brief Update and Why I have not Written

I guess I've lost interest in my blog. Since my last update, we celebrated my son's 4th birthday. We had thanksgiving with one of the other CPE resident's family. I finished my 2nd unit of CPE. We had an awesome 2 weeks of leave over the last two weeks of December. We enjoyed Christmas as a family and with our extended families through the miracle of Skype. We surprised the kids with two nights of fun at the Great Wolf Lodge. Now, I'm in the middle of my first 3 week stint of classes at Erskine Theological Seminary for my D.Min. I hate being away from my family for 3 weeks, but it is much better than being deployed for 12 months.

One reason I think I've lost interest in this form of communication because it seems shallow for me. I don't mean to say that it's shallow for everyone. I read blogs every day that are full of deep, intimate thoughts and feelings. I simply don't feel safe doing so through this type of communication. I think it's the effects of CPE and how much more self aware I have become. I value being able to share deep an intimate thoughts with people. That seems worth it. It has value. This doesn't seem to have that value.

The other reason I've stayed away is because everything has not been ok and I haven't been able to say anything because it could have further hurt those I care about to do so. That being the case, sharing my life and acting like nothing bad is happening feels like lying. Now, that I can share and know it will not harm those I care about, I'll say a little. I will not get into the specifics here, but when people I trusted did something to hurt my family and act as if they have done nothing wrong it makes me feel sick. On top of that, knowing they have hid the truth of how it all happened from the people they lead, people I love, has brought me to tears. It has made me question 5 years of ministry and I have no good answers. I question every time someone communicated they were hurt by the leadership and I sided with the leadership because it seemed rational. I question every time we hid things from the people we led with the excuse that we didn't want to expose private problems to the church at large. I'm angry at the people who have caused this hurt now and I'm angry at myself for not recognizing the hurtful actions I supported, both vocally and with my silence, in the past.

By the way, anger isn't a sin. We are told not sin in our anger and I don't believe I've done so. Anger based on evil motives or resulting in evil expressions is sin, but anger by itself is not sin. I want to talk to these people about it, but I'm afraid I will hear all the same old things that I've heard told to so many others in the past and that will not help me work towards forgiveness and reconciliation. It will only make me more angry.

Please do not worry about me. I'm working through this with people I trust (who also happen to be trustworthy). My CPE supervisor has been particularly helpful and I thank God for his wisdom and genuine care for me. My family relationship with God is stronger and closer than it has ever been. My wife and children are a constant joy in my life. The pursuit of higher education, while very challenging, is also something that has been very rewarding for me.

So, I will not stay away forever, but don't be surprised when I don't write on here.

Learning

"It's all about your learning." Anyone who has ever taken a unit of CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) has probably heard that statement more times than they care to remember. When I consider what my ministry looked like in June and what it looks like today, I can honestly say the last 4 months have really been all about my learning. The difference in my pastoral care for patients has improved exponentially. A lot of it is due to examining and dealing with some painful events from my past and present. It's amazing how much something I was told as a child or the way people I trusted and loved recently treated my family have had an effect on my ministry. Realizing the effect and then working through it is a very effective way to make yourself more available to God's leading in ministry. I won't say more than that because it really is something you have to experience to understand. All I will say, is that if you're in a ministry where you ever do or may have to visit a patient, please take at least one unit of CPE. It's painful and difficult, but it's worth the pain.

Everything is going well for us as a family. God has blessed us with health and happiness. We'll celebrate my son's 4th birthday tomorrow. He and our girls are a source of a lot of joy for us. We're enjoying the Pacific North West as much as we can because we may only be here for 1 year. We've been to Pacific Ocean and Mt. rainier and I'm sure we'll get more opportunities to enjoy the beauty of creation here. We miss our family and frien

ds back East, but enjoy the opportunity to see many things and meet many people that we never would without my ministry in the Army.

- Dave

Abby and CPE

Without a doubt, the biggest thing that's happened since my last post is the arrival of our 4th child. Abby arrived on July 14th and, as usual, we were hooked from the first moment. A new child brings so much joy to a family. I guess it's appropriate that her middle name is Joy I've noticed lately that a parents can just stare at their new baby for hours and hours and not get bored, even when the baby isn't doing anything. I'm not sure there is anything else comparable. Our other 3 children seem to be adjusting well to having a new sister. It doesn't seem to phase our oldest at all anymore. Our 5 year old girl thinks it's the coolest things ever and our 3 year old boy is very tender and gentle with his new little sister.
Our life situation is so different from when we had our first three. When the others were born, our old church was great about telling me to take as much time as I needed to help my wife. While the Army gives 10 days of paternal leave to new dads, i was unable to take it due to my status as a CPE Resident. The course of study has a requirement of hours for each unit of study, so I couldn't take any more time off besides the day of her birth. We've been very thankful to have my wife's mom and my parents out to help for the 1st three weeks. Since my wife has to have C-sections, the recovery time is significantly longer and she is not allowed to drive until 4 weeks after the surgery. Now that all the family has gone home, things seem to be going very well and I think we're adjusting well to being a family of 6.
In ministry news, CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) has already been a life changing experience. Since it uses the adult learning model, which is so unusual, I'll try to explain how it works. It all starts with deciding what you want to learn. Students write their own learning goals and how they intend to learn said goals. Each morning consist of about 4 hours of group time. During this time, we have didactics, verbatims and IPRs. A didactic is when the supervisor teaches us in a traditional sense. It may be through a review of a book or a lecture on a relevant topic. Occasionally, we also go to a seminar. Verbatims are times when a group member presents a word for word example of a visit with a patient or prisoner. The verbatims include theological reflection, psychological reflection, emotional reflection, cognitive reflection, sociological reflection and a discussion on how the visit related to your learning goal. After reading through it, the supervisor asks the presenter where they'd like to start and the group then begins to ask questions. Usually we focus on major shifts in the conversation. These are times, when the chaplain either consciously or sub-consciously avoids a topic that the patient brings up. When that topic is discovered, the group helps the chaplain unpack why the topic was avoided. Most of the time, it is due to the chaplain having an unresolved emotional issue (i.e. guilt, pain, death, etc.). To say the least, this is very painful process. The value is in being able to discover where one needs to do self work in order to be emotionally and cognitively present when entering the room of a patient, so that ministry can take place. Theology is often challenged as well. We say we believe certain things, but our visits bring out what we believe in practice. One of our supervisors goals is challenge us to keep these areas consistent. IPR (interpersonal relationships) time is 2 hours of unstructured group time. The idea is to talk about issue we have with each other in group. We're still trying to figure this part out, but as far as I can tell, the idea is to teach us to deal with conflict. If we can confidently deal with conflict in group, we can deal with the conflict of helping a patient or family member acknowledge impending death when it's being avoided.
The afternoons consist of clinical time. This is when we make our hospital visits, interact with hospital staff and then chart on patients. We have different wards in each of our 4 units, including the possibility of a unit at the prison on FT. Lewis. My first unit has been spent making visits to the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit), Labor and delivery, pediatrics and the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit). I've really enjoyed having the chance to minister to these families. Perhaps the most amazing thing I've learned is how successful a NICU is when a baby makes it to 28 weeks of gestation. I never realized how many very premature babies are able to make it and then lead very normal lives.
Besides verbatims, we also write weekly process notes, read at least 1000 pages on related topics each unit and have a weekly ISH (Individual Supervision) where we sit down 1 on 1 with our supervisor.
While what I've learned about myself is very private because it deals with suppressed emotional issues, I can you this process is more effective for pastoral care than any of my previous education (BA, MA, MDIV) or experience (11 years in pastoral ministry). For that reason, I believe every minister involved in any type of pastoral care should take at least 1 unit of CPE. If nothing else, it will help you to actually hear the people who come from counseling and not be deaf to many of your own issues when they are brought up in another person's story.
The reason most ministers will never do this is because it threatens our pride. It tell us we don't have it all together. It challenges our theology and ministry practices. Those are all goof things from my perspective, but I know many in ministry do not share my perspective.
On top of 4 units (about 10 weeks each) we'll also be making 2 three week trips to Erskine Seminary in Due West, SC to work on a DMIN (Doctor of Ministry) degree. This degree is completely separate from our work in CPE, but it is also a requirement of the Army for CPE Residents. Considering that the Army pays for the whole thing, I'm not complaining. My first three weeks trip will be in January, with another to follow in MAY. Other than that, there is a lot of pre and post work for each course and then several years to work on a dissertation.
There's probably more I could tell you about our lives, but I'm tired of typing. Plus, CPE requires that I write and talk about myself a lot already.

-Dave

Settling In

We've had quite an exciting couple of weeks!

It all started with the packers boxing up all of our stuff that could be boxed. After that we had two nights in the house with very little left besides our beds. Then the movers showed up. They quickly realized they already had too much on the truck to fit all of our stuff. They did the best they could, but we still had a garage full of stuff left over. The rest of the stuff got picked up the next day and was then crated and shipped.

That was on Friday and Saturday of a holiday weekend and I couldn't sign out until Tuesday, so we spent the next couple of nights at the Fort Drum Inn, where we had spent our first month at Drum. We pulled out of Drum on 1 JUN and after a couple of hiccups we finally got out of Watertown. We made it to Cleveland on the first night and left bright and early for a big day the nest morning.

I had sent an email to some Notre Dame athletic department staff to let them know I'd be coming through and if possible, it was a dream of mine to see the stadium from the inside. I got an email back and it was all set up. The day ended up blowing us away. I was greeted by my contact who turned out to also be an assistant coach. Not only did we see the stadium, we went in the locker room, down the steps and out the tunnel. I was told no one gets to do this except AD and Football people but they wanted to make an exception for a lifelong fan who serves his country. I was truly in AWE! We also got to go up in the press box to check out the view and were given a tour of the rest of campus to include the dome, basilica and TD Jesus. It's still all a bit surreal for this Irish fan. You can check out my pictures here

After that, we spent the next two nights in Chicago and somewhere in Minnesota. the kids did great and enjoyed all the lovely Hampton Inn pools. After that we headed to South Dakota. It's a great state for sight seeing, so we slowed down and spent two nights there. On our first day, we visited a cowboy town (pretty much an old tourist trap), an American Indian archeological dig site and the corn palace. The next day was devoted to Rushmore and a drive through safari where bears come right up to the car. Rushmore is awesome and highly recommend making the trip at least once in your lifetime because there is truly nothing else like it on earth. We then moved on through Wyoming to Montana. This part of the country s really beautiful. I still can't draw my eyes away from the Mountains. After that, we pushed through Idaho and spent our last night on the road at a hotel in Tacoma. We arrived at our new home on 8 JUN and are settling in nicely after a few hiccups. Mount Rainier is clearly visible on a clear day. If you've never been out west, it's hard to explain it. What we call mountains on the east coast are really nothing more than bumps. The thing is huge and the snow capped peak often appears to be floating on a cloud.

I'm in-processing FT Lewis this week and getting a bit of an intro to CPE. I'm sure will be plenty more to write about that as the year progresses because it will be quite intense. My favorite quote so far is, "as ranger school is to the infantry, CPE is to the chaplaincy."

Blessings,

Dave

Memorial Day Leaving FT Drum

Today we honor those who have sacrificed our their lives while fighting for our freedoms. I pray and hope that in the midst of enjoying the day off, many will take some time to honor these brave men and women. I specifically have three of them on my mind today. SPC P, SGT M and INT A you will not be forgotten.

I sign out of FT Drum tomorrow and we will begin our trip to FT Lewis, WA. I feel like I've been saying goodbye for more than a month. We don't do a Battalion Hail and Farewell every month, so I was officially farewelled in April. I then received my PCS award at the beginning of May and said goodbye to the Headquarters and Headquarters Detachment. That still left a month of time at the 91st. One of our Senior NCOs found it funny to ask how many months it had been since my farewell on a regular basis. I also felt like I was saying goodbye to someone almost every day. I did my best to finish well. I made sure to stretch out my clearing appointments, so I could still effectively minister all the way until my Household Goods were being packed last week. My replacement will not arrive at FT Drum until late June, so I've been communicating with him by phone and email. I think I've prepared him as much as possible. It's hard to leave a unit I deployed with and have spent so much time serving. The Soldiers of the 91st will always have a special place in my heart.

My first experience with clearing has gone well. I turned in all my equipment without any trouble and all my appointments have been mostly painless. our only issue was with the movers and packers not estimating correctly and causing a portion of our stuff to be shipped separately. We're spending our final days here at the FT Drum Inn, where we spent our first several weeks since our beds are now gone as well. We went to chapel for the last time on Sunday and said goodbye there as well.

My family is doing well. the kids seem to be handling the move well. My wife isn't exactly comfortable at this point in the pregnancy, but so far both she and the baby have been in perfect health. We're going to take 8 days to travel from FT Drum to the home we're renting in Lacey, WA. That way, we shouldn't have to spend more than 7-8 hours on the road on any given day. The highlights of the trip will be a visit to Notre Dame and Mt. Rushmore. I contacted Notre Dame and told them who I was, that I'm a life-long fan and it's been a dream of mine to see the football stadium from the inside. They've arranged a private tour of the Stadium and the rest of campus for us. I can't wait for that. We'll also stop anywhere else that looks interesting and enjoy the trip as much as we can.

Thank you all for supporting me with your prayer and in other ways during my ministry to 91st here at FT Drum and in Iraq. Special thanks goes out to the people of Grace Fellowship Evangelical Free Church, Stevensburg Baptist Church, and Calvary Chapel Old Bridge. Your support has helped to reach many Soldiers with the Gospel over the last two years. It is my prayer and hope that you will continue to support us as we continue to serve God and Country.

So, for the final time...Guardian Angel Out.

Another Exciting Month

I just realized when i looked at my last post that I hadn't yet blogged about the results of our ultrasound. So, if you're not on Facebook and this is the only way you follow me, you don't know yet. We're having another girl and we're very excited. I try not to post names in this forum because it pretty easy for anyone to get on here, but we have one picked out and we're very excited. My wife is particularly excited to decorate everything in girl themes. We got rid of all our old baby stuff because we thought we were done with that faze. It was all neutral Winnie the Pooh stuff so we could use it for either gender. This time, that isn't a concern, so she is very happy to be getting some type of lady bug design with pinks and all that other girl stuff.

Ministry wise, this has also been an exciting month. My counseling load is through the roof right now. I know many people would consider that bad, but I enjoy that part of the ministry for the most part. I've also developed a class on ethical decision making with several interactive dilemmas. I've slowly been teaching that to all of my companies and it's been very well received. Last week I had the opportunity to attend one of my endorser's chaplain development conferences at Southern Seminary in Louisville, KY. The theme was "taking care of your soul." It focused a lot on spiritual formation and was a very refreshing time. I'm trying to take some of what was presented and put it into a format that i can give to my Soldiers. I also got the chance to share the gospel with a high school senior during my plane ride back. That may have been more refreshing than anything else I did on my trip. Finally, on the ministry side of things, I've been asked to preach at our main post chapel on Easter Sunday. I'm not sure why I was asked, but I'm honored and excited for the opportunity to preach the gospel on the day we celebrate the resurrection.

In other news, we just celebrated my younger daughter's 5th birthday. It was a great time and I'm so grateful that we get do things like this together this year.

That's probably enough for now.

-Guardian Angel Out-

Next Stop...Fort Lewis, WA

I guess I need to set an alarm or something to remind me to update my blog. This was really so much easier to remember while I was in Iraq and I'm not sure why that is.

Anyway, the biggest news is that we now know for sure where we'll be heading next. I have orders for Madigan Army Medical center at Fort Lewis, WA and we'll be heading there in late May. This means we get to drive all the way across the country, with three kids, while my wife is 32 weeks pregnant. I'll be doing a CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) residency at the hospital and working on my DMIN for a year to qualify me to do a 3 year utilization tour as an Army hospital chaplain. So, it's likely we'll move again in June 2011. This assignment is a real answer to prayer as I've felt God leading me in this direction ever since we started to investigate the chaplaincy. Please pray for us as we close out our time in ministry with the 91st at Fort Drum and look forward to this new ministry opportunity.

This past month has been a good month of ministry. We welcomed one of our MP companies home from Iraq. Last weekend, I got to take them to Lake Placid for the Weekend to do some relationship training. Otherwise, it's been fairly normal, with lots of counseling as usual, which I've come to realize is one of my favorite things to do.

My family has had a great month too. We got to go down to see my parents over presidents day weekend and then my wife and kids went down to her parents for the rest of winter break. We wanted to make sure we got down to NJ and VA one last time before the move. Everyone had a great time, but it's nice to get back to our normal routines as well. My wife has an ultrasound this coming THU, so we should know the gender of our fourth child by this time next week. For the first time ever, we're not positive on names yet, so knowing if it's a boy or a girl will be a big help.

That's all for now.

- Guardian Angel Out -