One reason I think I've lost interest in this form of communication because it seems shallow for me. I don't mean to say that it's shallow for everyone. I read blogs every day that are full of deep, intimate thoughts and feelings. I simply don't feel safe doing so through this type of communication. I think it's the effects of CPE and how much more self aware I have become. I value being able to share deep an intimate thoughts with people. That seems worth it. It has value. This doesn't seem to have that value.
The other reason I've stayed away is because everything has not been ok and I haven't been able to say anything because it could have further hurt those I care about to do so. That being the case, sharing my life and acting like nothing bad is happening feels like lying. Now, that I can share and know it will not harm those I care about, I'll say a little. I will not get into the specifics here, but when people I trusted did something to hurt my family and act as if they have done nothing wrong it makes me feel sick. On top of that, knowing they have hid the truth of how it all happened from the people they lead, people I love, has brought me to tears. It has made me question 5 years of ministry and I have no good answers. I question every time someone communicated they were hurt by the leadership and I sided with the leadership because it seemed rational. I question every time we hid things from the people we led with the excuse that we didn't want to expose private problems to the church at large. I'm angry at the people who have caused this hurt now and I'm angry at myself for not recognizing the hurtful actions I supported, both vocally and with my silence, in the past.
By the way, anger isn't a sin. We are told not sin in our anger and I don't believe I've done so. Anger based on evil motives or resulting in evil expressions is sin, but anger by itself is not sin. I want to talk to these people about it, but I'm afraid I will hear all the same old things that I've heard told to so many others in the past and that will not help me work towards forgiveness and reconciliation. It will only make me more angry.
Please do not worry about me. I'm working through this with people I trust (who also happen to be trustworthy). My CPE supervisor has been particularly helpful and I thank God for his wisdom and genuine care for me. My family relationship with God is stronger and closer than it has ever been. My wife and children are a constant joy in my life. The pursuit of higher education, while very challenging, is also something that has been very rewarding for me.
So, I will not stay away forever, but don't be surprised when I don't write on here.